What make me today?

“When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.” 

―Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

What make me today?  The answers of this question are my childhood, my teenage life and problems that I faced. I think everyone would say the same thing but the outcome would be different. For me, those all affect the way I think, say, do today.

I wanna write about my childhood today because I want to trace the path of it and embrace the moments. I was born in a small city on the other part of Indonesia in the Sumatran Island. I don’t really remember the details but I have parts of memories when I was there years ago. I remember my grandfather brought me to somewhere to buy a chair that is still here today. This chair has been with me for more than 20 years already. 

Me and my brothers at my childhood house. ^^

the same blue chair that my lil bro sat on the other pic that my grandpa bought for me

Then, I remember that my grandmother brought me once to a beach with her workers one day to have a picnic but just when we sat down, the wave came to us and wet our place so we had to move away. Because it’s a small city, everywhere we walked people will know. The most frightened moment was when I woke up from my nap time then when I walked to the living room, my mom was curling her hairs with my aunt. I was afraid and cried whenever I saw the rolls and the smell. I still hate it until now. . Then, the most unforgettable was the moment I rolled down from 3^rd floor stairs until the first floor because played with my brother. I had a very big “ball” on my forehead. ^^ I went to a Buddhist school there; I remembered the unusual table and learnt sempoa. I grew there until I was 6 years old. On 1990, my father was told to move to Jakarta, to be with his family (my hometown is my mom’s). I remembered that day my grandfather didn't want to see us left. He just looked away, he teared and sad. That was the first moment I can understand what others people feel. I felt sad not because I have to leave but because I saw my grandpa was sad because of our leaving. I missed him as I wrote this, but he passed away when I was at Grade 8 or 9. Some time I will share bout my traumatic of his leaving forever. :( 

From my hometown, we have to go to Medan first by car. It took 8 hours. That moving was my first on board. ^^ I had a very uncomfortable pain on my ears then, the stewardess gave me a candy. Oh, I also spilled my food during lunch time.. =P

At first, we were staying with my grandma from my father’s side. His sister still not married yet. Personally, it wasn't a good moments for me during those 3 years. I remember I have to repeat my primary one. The funny thing was that I had a bad impression to the teacher who said that it’s better for me to repeat on more year even tough I supposed to be in Primary 2 coz she’s afraid I can’t catch up with the lesson and since I was from the small town (different level of lesson). She said it in front of me. I remember it vaguely but for several years I had several nightmares if her and felt like I saw her everywhere I went. It looked like she haunted me and she has 7 twins.  Hehehe….silly me. Maybe, it hurt my pride that time. ^^ However, I was enrolled school a year earlier than I should had when I was at my hometown so, it’s still okay for me to repeat.   

The other thing was that I didn’t like to see my mother and the in laws “secretly” fight. They showed me the truth about not living at the same house. I slept with my aunt and my grandma. My brothers slept with my parents. My aunt loves me, I know. But when they thought I was asleep, they talked bout my mom. It was not just her but still I didn’t feel comfortable. I never share this thing to anyone. My grandma also so strict and didn’t allow us to play outside. However, my auntie liked to take me to places by bus. Once, I almost fell down coz it moved before I stepped down my foot. She took me to the theater  Ancol and many more. I watched Jet Lee’s movies a lot.  Then, my cousins moved in together just made it worst. I have to share my aunt. ^^

As the eldest child, I always told to share, to stay back, to be the last to get, to do almost everything. I can’t be selfish. So, when my aunt brought me to see places on weekends were the times I can just have something for me. But, when my cousins here, again, I have to be the eldest. I’m also the eldest grand-daughter from my father’s big family side. This “eldest” thing cost me drown in the swimming pool. I had to share to the other cousins then, I drowned in a 3-m pool. I couldn't swim until now.

During those three years stayed with my grandma, I saw my first semi porno ghost movie. HAHAHA. Peeping actually coz would open the door quietly and peep when I couldn't sleep and when the adults sent the children out from the living room so early. So, every time I went out (pretending) to go to toilet, they stopped the movie.. ^^ I knew it though I was just eight that time. If my auntie didn't take me somewhere, she would rent Laser Disc to watch together. Sometimes cartoons, funny movies, kung fu or Chinese ghost stories. And my auntie is the one who makes me love English.

I moved 2 schools during these 3 years. Permai School when I was P1 and 2. Then Harapan Abadi when I was in P3. I remembered only several things about this school. There were the goat poop smelled at our dancing room, the tall pillars in the middle of my class, I did my first stood in front performance, my first crush (hehehe..his name was Erik), my friends (my crush and his friends)were sent away by my grandma when they came to ask me play, I could see them from the very small window on the roof,  and me almost been kissed moment by a boy name Peter, I slapped him. ^^ Those schools are still existing until now. I even worked in one of it. Harapan Abadi changed the name to St. Nicholas. I found out on my first year worked there and the principal still has my names on the students list.

At 9, we moved out (yey!). The sad thing, that I still regret now, was I wasn't able to say good bye to my best friend at that time. A foreign girl who just live here because if her father’s work. We move to the place I live today. So, it’s been almost 20 years I have stayed here. The same road, two different houses, different neighbors and many schools that I had attend.. I have 4 schools during my elementary level in all. After moved here, I went to Trinitas to study. I fell down in front of the gate on my first day.. >.< Because of too many times moving schools, I was never afraid on first days anymore.  But I got new friends easily coz of the fall ..

I have 2 younger brothers, this make me easier to play with boys. So, I have more boy friends than girls. Girls are also sometimes too sensitive. When I was in P6, my close friend since P5 just left me and ignored me the whole year. The reason was just because I didn’t introduce her to my friend from other class when we met! Geezzz…When I was in P6, my feelings started to feel upside down. I started to have this rebellion feeling and moments. I tried my father’s smoke when he left it to bath, started want my mother to show more love to me than to my brothers. I felt sad when I was the top 10 of the whole school and got my price (only a box of Dunkin Donuts) but my parents didn’t say anything. Things were getting worst later. I will write it again later.

Right now, I just amazed myself that I remember so many things in my childhood that I couldn’t write it down. I feel happy to understand that those bad memories in my 3 years with my grandma didn’t make me hate them. My auntie wanted me to stay there with her; she wanted to pay my education fee and she promised to pamper me. I refused. Though my mom ever slammed my face to the table just because I can’t memorize the multiplication table two, but I still chose her. I didn’t regret the choice that I made when I was 9. I still respect my grandmother also. No matter what, she is just a mother and grandmother at her age she thought she knew more. She ever grabbed a robber’s knife who tried to rob us when she took me to visit her friend at Jelambar. She even brought it home as a gift. I didn’t remember this but she remembered she took me with her ^^ 
My grandpa died when my father just 19 years old, he’s the 2^nd son, so my grandma had to be strong for her 9 children. I respect her for that. I took care of her when she was in hospital coz of diarrhea because no one else can take turn. I learn from that to be patience with elders.

What I learn from my 3 years with my aunt and grandma is that if one day I get married and have to stay with my future husband family especially parents, I really have to adjust myself.  I learn that our greatest deed is to our parents and it's not forever we stay with our parents. I told this to my boyfriend also. And I think it's easier to change myself than to change the whole world. Some people might say, it's easy for me to say but it will hard to do. But, I never know till I try right? I just have to always remember my feeling under the blanket at the most nights back that time.

Every time I have time to recall, I will recall my childhood. I miss the moment. I feel the hole in it. I don’t want to forget what that left in my mind. So, I hope if one day I forget, I still have this story. :)

From the memory in June 1996 till 2012...

"It takes a long time to grow an old friend." 

- by John Leonard

"A Friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway!!!" 

- (sent by Heather Tallent)

Few days ago, I had a conversation with one of my friend. He talked about me. He mentioned that I’ve changed a lot. Well, basically, I’m evolved (manusia purba x) ^^  It's not that I change myself but i change the way I think..However, after the conversation ended, I started to think of what I have been through these past years n I was thinking of people that influences me these long. I realize that so many things have changed and one of it is what I call friendship.

Sebenernya ga  kepikiran mo tulis ttg ini tdnya.. Ada bbrp hal yg melatar belakangi tulisan g. Hal2 yg mendasari perubahan2 dlm hidup. Pertama, perubahan terjadi krn perbedaan latar belakang keluarga, jenis kelamin, pola pikir, gaya hidup, lingkungan dan masalah2 yg dihadapi oleh seseorg. Kedua, g memutuskan untuk menulis bukannya untuk menjudge atau menyalahkan tp untuk menelaah apa yg terjd dlm hidup g dan g rasa pikiran g uda cukup terbuka dan wise untuk menerima setiap perubahan dan perbedaan n semoga yg membaca jg ga menjudge n noted ini adlh point of view g.. ^^ Ketiga, g berharap dgn tulisan ini bs membuat kita lbh saling toleransi lg terhadap  temen krn jujur g pny penyesalan dlm bertindak, berkata dan berpikir thdp salah seorg tmn g sehingga membuat hub g org renggang. Skrg stlh g menghadapi byk hal g sadar bahwa g mengerti knp dy melakukan hal tsb..kesalahan g adalah not be there to make him believe in me..tp g ikt menjauhi saat dy menjauh.. Pertanyaannya, is it too late to realize now??

G mgkn adlah pribadi yg hidupny berdasarkan masa lalu. G mengenang masa lalu, menghargainya dan berusaha mempertahankan walaupun ada perubahan. Kdg sedih jg klo mkr, have they forgotten bout those moments? Byk hal2 yg g hargai dr masa lalu g ttg tmn2 g. So, let’s flash back…. ;)

Apa sih yang disebut sebagai teman? Or siapa sih yang bisa kita sebut teman? Or what about best friends?

Jawabannya mungkin relative bagi setiap orang.. So do I. Ada beberapa orang yg g sebut sebagai temen.. Temen yang menurut g cukup deket..or temen sekedar tau. Bagi sebagian org ada yg menganggap temen lebih baik dr saudara sendiri.

Mungkin kali ini g mo flash back ke beberapa tahun lalu.. Saat g n temen2 g masih imut ^^. Temen2 yang g sebutkan disini adalah temen-temen dari SMP g. Kenapa mereka? Karena merekalah yang mempunyai byk pengaruh dlm hdp g hingga skrg dan bisa g sebut sebagai old friends. They dun know kalo years g bersama mereka membuat hdp g lbh baik..klo ga ada mrk dl mgkn g ga akn spt skrg..I owe them that. G akan memberikan inisial untuk menyebut mereka dan g akan cb mendescribe mereka menurut pendapat g. *noted my opinion*

Sebelum g describe, g mo ceritain sedikit dl pertemuan g dgn mereka.Mnrt g pertemuan dgn mreka adlah jodoh.. G ketemu mereka wkt kelas 3 SMP karena sebagian besar dr kita sekelas. Di sekolah itu system pindah kelasnya saat kenaikan kelas sangat gampang, dr nomor urut sekian akan terus satu kelas. Kelas 1 dan 2 g ga pernah sekelas dgn satupun dr mereka. Nah, harusnya g ga akan pernah sekelas dgn mereka klo bukan krn ada masalah dgn geng main g sblmnya.. It was misunderstanding sbnrnya tp ya namanya msih labil jd ya gitu d. Akhinya nykp minta g dipisahkan dr bbrp anak..masuklah g kekelas D itu. ^^ Nah…mereka adalah ………

1.       Si A, dy ini beda kelas. The only one yg separated. Sbnrnya hrsnya g sekelasnya ma dy..tp krn pindah jd ga sekelas d. Si A ini tipe anak yg sensitive dl nya. Semakin tua aj semakin bijak. Wkwkwk.. dl klo main bareng n dy ud manyun, semua tau dy ge bad mood n kita bakalan diemin dy aj ampe y bae.dy bs duduk mojok sndr kita main sndr..walau beda kelas dy kenal sbagian dr kelas D n jd sering main bareng plus rmhny deketan.

2.     Si B, dy ini yg kedua tertuanya.. wkt SMP dy anaknya pendek gt..tiba2 jd tinggi gt wkt SMA..First impression g pertama kali ma dy tu wkt Class Meeting SMP 2. Yg kenalin Si A, Si B ini dr kelas lain. Si A ini byk gt kenal sana sini. Nah, wkt itu g suka main catur n ga ada yg mo main sama g. Jd Si A kenalin lah g ma Si B. n dgn 3 langkah skak mat! Ya gt lah.g keki tu wkt u..^^ ampe pas perpisahan di Bali kelas 3 g sempet ajak si B main lg..G menang sih..cm g gatau dy mang ngalah or kemampuan dy menurun.. =P tp si B ini orgnya easy going, nyantai, sifatny sabar n pelawak gt.. Dy selalu ngelucu tp terkadang dy bs berskap dewasa.

3.     Si C, nah dy ini mnrt g yg paling ganteng d di grup ini. Hahaha.. g jg pny kesan pertama dgn ne org.. tp dy gatau ^^. Jd wkt kelas 2 SMP wkt pas ujian2 gt, g pernah tu main ke kelas lain cr temen g n g duduk diatas satu meja.. n nama si C lah yg tertera. Trz g mkr ne org namanya jelek amet..*peace* trz g nanya tmn g  yg mana  ne orgnya..Pas ditunjukin g mkr cakep jg..wkwkwk. Si C ini ankny dulu tu pendiem.. tau knp pelit ngmg n sk maen sepak bola tu dl. Mnrt bbrp org yg cukup deket dgn grup ini dl bilang decision maker nya itu g n dy..yg lain oke2 aja. Jd g org cukup sering bentrok krn sm2 keras kepala n pny logika sndr, tp kdg g org bs saling discuss jg klo hrs memanage a trip.dl dy org yg pny sdkt ekspresi krn kita hrs tebak2an gt ttg dy.lucunya pnh ada yg blg g ma dy rada mirip sifatnya..ga ngerti mananya.

4.    Si D, dy the other girl di grup ini selain g. Kita lahir di bulan yg sama tp beda zodiac ^^. Si D ini mgkn adalah savior g. ^^ Dl g tu introvert n was in a trouble wkt mulai msk kelas 3. G malah milih rokok buat jd pelampiasan. Nah, suatu wkt g duduk sebangku dgn si D n dy yg ngajarin g buat ngungkapin perasaan g. G rasa dy sndr ud lupa.. but I won’t. Si D ini anakny cukup complicated menurut g. Sifat dy ga peka (kebykan main ma co x ya :p ),lembut2 keras.. Semakin dy dewasa semakin jd sifat kerasnya dy. Tp mnrt g itu krn bagian dr kehidupan dy. Dy ini tipenya au ban.. klo dibilangin yak msk kiri kuar kanan. Jd dy hrs kena jera dl br bs sadar. Dy sempet mengakuin jg. Trz dr semua temen g hny dy lah yg sulit g ketahui kadar perasaanny klo dy ga ngmg. Jd dy cukup misterius dl buat g krn dy jrg share mendalam pikiran dy. Tp skrg g mulai bs mengerti dy. G mencoba ga mo menjudge dy.G mo nya g be there klo dy mo share..G akan mengatakan pendapat g tp pd akhirnya tetep dy yg jalanin dan tgs g sebagai tmn ya menyupport.

5.     Si E, ini jg salah satu yg kita tau sensitive.Wkt SMP g cukup deket dgn dy krn mnrt g dy pendengar yg baik n bs ksh saran yg baik buat g.klo dy jago basket.. dr SMP uda tinggi n kurus, ampe skrg jg ga byk berubah. Dl klo main capsa tmn curang yg baik d ma Si B n Si C buat ngerjain Si D. Teringat pertama x nya kita ngadain bbq tu dirmh dy tp yg dtg cm ber 2.. wkwkwk..

Dl kita selalu ber 6 melakukan aktivitas bersama setiap sore. Jamannya msh sepeda. Saling menjemput trz berakhir dirumah Si D. Jalan2 naik sepeda, lari pagi (yg bertahan sebentar), main bulu tangkis, bikin ongol2, donut, bubur (dibeli) saat pelajaran tata boga, bbq pas new year ampe diomelin krn ketawa terlalu keras, main capsa. Trz g jd manager bola sampe manager basket.Sampe stlh banjir jalan2 jg bareng. Dan diantar2 wkt2 itu jg ada bumbu cinta monyet segala. N ntah gmn muncullah nama Kupluk.. bbrp tmn angkatan kita pn tau klo kita selalu main brg n bbrp tau nama julukan itu. Dr julukan pribadi dr nama buah sampe binatang. Sempet pny julukan nama keren wkt SMA/kuliah gt pas sama2 main basket.  Wkt SMA sbnrnya g n Si B beda skul dgn yg lain tp kita msh cukup sering ngumpul setdknya pas weekend..Those were one of my best time n years. A lot of laughter n joy.

Setelah mulai masuk kuliah, mulai terjadi perubahan. Ga bs dihindari lah klo kita menemukan lingkungan baru dan temen baru ada yg akan berubah. Pertama yg awalnya berubah dlan adalah Si B, krn pny pacar. Si C sempet merasa kehilangan tu..Awalnya kita kesel jg, ya wajar lah klo selama ini selalu bareng kemudian mulai berubah pastinya ada kehilangan n kita msh cukup egois.. Kemudian satu persatu berubah.. Yg pasti g salah satunya. Waktu g semester 2 masuk semester 3 ada masalah dlm keluarga g yg membuat g berubah drastis. G cukup minder n depresi.Dl g termsk org yg kepo dlm grup ini, yg sk ngabarin msg2, yg jd seksi repotnya. Kemudian krn mslh keluarga yg g hadapin membuat g capek n g memutuskan untuk bersikap egois. I dun care anymore karena menurut g semua terlalu bergantung dgn g, support yg diberikan berupa kata2 “ u pasti bisa, u kn kuat, tegar n bla bla bla..”  bagi g terdengar sebagai beban..n I became unhappy. Kdg g memutuskan menjaga jarak krn membuat g ga nyaman dan g jd ga bs crt n share. Saat yg bersamaan jg ada satu org yg ikut menjauh krn mslh keluarga jg keknya..

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."  - Mother Teresa

Hal ini terjadi bertahun2 sampe akhirnya g sadar n g cukup merasa kehilangan. Banyak kesalahpahaman dan satu2nya org yg tetap tak berubah mnrt g adalah si A.  Dengan Si A, g bs crt apa aj, qt bs saling menunjukkan kelemahan dan kelebihan msg2 tanpa jd musuhan.

Kemudian ada juga saat2 g hrs milih antara temen n pacar. Kdg g ga mo milih, tp g mkr menggabungkan mereka blm saatnya akn menimbulkan ketdaknyamanan. Dan hal ini susah membuat sebagian org mengerti dan balik lg g merasa g hrs menyenangkan byk pihak n membuat g stress.. Klo skrg g pkr, mgkn g jg terlalu berpkran buruk ttg tmn2 g n pasangan g.. Mgkn mrk akn bs menemukan kecocokan tnpa g hrs merasa terbebani dgn pkran sndr. I admitted…my bad..

       "Friendship is one mind in two bodies." 

- Mencius

I think this quote was suit me.. Mgkn krn pd suatu point g tdk satu pikiran dgn yg lain membuat keadaan menjadi canggung, menjaga jarak atau bahkan dijauhi. At that time, I blamed others tp klo dipkr2 lg ya g sndr jg begitu menuntut dan berharap dimengerti.

O, ya dlm bbrp thn ini ada seorg tmn lg yg g anggap tmn deket g.. sebut Si F. Si F dan Si D mgkn adalah tmn ce g yg cukup dkt dr SMP. Si F pernah satu kls ma g wkt kls 1 SMP. Si F dan Si D satu SMA n g terpisah. Nah, yg akan selalu g inget adalah saat g surat2an dgn mereka n perantaranya adalah ade g. wkwkw. Dr kertas bekas, tissue, kertas hias dll jd medianya. G msh simpen semua itu. Mgkn mrk ud ga simpen.. ^^ G plg merasa kehilangan 2 tmn g yg ini krn semakin dewasa yg ada mrk smkn berjarak. Skrg g plg merasa berjarak dgn si F. Sptnya pasangan, pekerjaannya spt menjadi orientasi hidupnya. Dl dy cukup care dgn byk org skrg sptnya dy cenderung menjudge *my opinion ya*  Seringkali g yg contact mereka buat ajk ketemuan, hang out or stay over. Tp sptnya yg excited just me.. balik lg mgkn krn g mengingat hal baik ttg mereka. Kita bertiga kuliah di kampus yg berbeda.Beda tmpt, beda teman, beda mslh dlm hdp pastinya akn membawa kita semakin beda pikiran n bs jd akhirnya jd ga nyaman satu dgn yg lain. Sbnrny g mgkn tau knp dy berubah..ada kalany g keki dgn dy dan ada kalanya keki jg si D..tp ya balik lg g selalu akn mencr mereka buat basa basi or ajk jlan yg seringnya ga jd..:)

G msh inget saat si F kehilangan sodara perempuan dy.. Saat dy shared her sadness via email dr sana g mkr klo kita susah keknya buat berkomunikasi scr langsung tp g mengerti perasaan dy. I did cry when I read the email.I felt the pain. I also remember at rumah duka. G inget wkt g meluk dy bersama si D n ada Si E yg menenangkan kita bertiga...it was so sad...I remember I texted the other bout that.When she asked me to pray for her sis a day before she passed away n after my prayers I cried all night. Hufff..

Kemudian, ada si G..dy adlh tmn ade g.. anaknya bar2..huff..g aj bs digampar gt ma dy..>.< dy plg kecil pdhl..*ga sopan kan? nah, g inget si G itu sebagai anak yg nyolong komik g n bulet gendut dgn suara kenceng.. trz ntah sjk kpn dy ikut main dlm kupluk. Mgkn saat2 g berada dlm hmmm..masa transisi kali ya.. tau2 dy nongol aj.. Si G ini sifatnya antara mo netral tp ga bs. Hahaha. Dy pd dasarnya ud berubah dibandingkan wkt dy msh SMP dl. Dy ne tipe yg ga mau rugi! Ga mandang temen bukan dah..tp kdg bs jg sih dy cincai.

I guess, skrg no more what we had…krn tp kenangan itu msh fresh n still warmth in me.. dasarnya g pelupa jg jd hal yg buruk g lupa..yg menyenangkan g inget.

B dan C ud merit bahkan Si B ud pny anak. I adore his daughter.. Jd inget dl wkt si B merit, g berdiri di samping si C dan g tny dy gmn perasaan dy liat tmn baikny merit dan dy cm ketawa, terdiam n dr tatapannya g rasa ada perasaan amaze kali. Si B yg dl skul aj bs lp bw buku skrg jd kepala rmh tangga. G sndr ngerasa pd wkt tu dy ganteng bnr d dgn model rambut ala Goo Jun Pyo.*jrg2 g blg gt*  Trz ga nyangka sethn berikutnya Si C menyusul.sygnya saat itu g ud berjarak dgn mrk..I did feel amazed n happy when he got married..^^ who'll be next in line??

Dulu wkt msh SMP kita berandai2 SMA dan kuliah. Wkt kuliah ada kalanya kita berandai2 gmn tar merit pny anak. What will we be next 10 years? saat umur semakin bertambah, fisik berubah, kemudian keluarga bertambah, kemudian yg dibicarakn penyakit, hari tua mgkn suatu saat kita akan mendatangi pemakaman salah satu nya...... Saat itu g berharap klo mereka bs mengingat masa muda mereka dan dgn bahagia bs berkata “ I have great best friends…” ^^

They  might don’t have the same thought with me. It’s ok but hopefully they know, how I cherish their presence with this writing.. :) #cheers