Have you ever felt gloomy? I bet everyone ever felt that way. I am right now. Actually, since few days ago. I blame it on my PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome) *grin* I dun really like this kind of feeling but seriously, I can't help it! Sometimes it last longer than what I want.
However, I dun think I can blame it on the syndrome. It's just me, myself and my thoughts. I believe it has something related with my absence to the vihara these few weeks. I kinda find bunch of excuses not to attend there every week. Once again I blame on my jobs that made me have to do over work till Saturday, I even blame on my cough that hasn't recovered yet since almost 2 months ago. Well, I am not the religious one but I do feel the use when I attend the devotion every week. I know that Buddha's dhamma need over and over and over repetition to hear in life. I think it's all the same in every religions. It will make you wiser and grateful.
Recently, I got angry too easily. I put all my emotions in one side.. Anger..I feel like I'm way too sensitive with problems that I have or had. I realize it but again I feel like the feelings are consuming me. There was something 3 weeks ago that made me so mad with my life. I can't share it here since it's part of my family matter. At that time, I was so upset. I can't think anything but unfair. Life is unfair to me. I also afraid..about my future. What it will be... I have no idea bout it at all. I even cried when I rode my motorcycle. I even cried when I shared to my Mr. A. At that time, I was teaching and I wasn't so sure my student realized it or no. Maybe he thought I just got flu. hehehehe... Then, at that my sensitive phase, I felt like I need someone to make me feel better. But no one did not even Mr. A. He wasn't here at that time and all he can wrote just be patient. haizz...However, I get over it..I can accept the news better at the end. After I controlled myself.
However, it came another thought. I felt like Mr. A acted differently. Actually, at this moment Mr. A is currently working out of Jakarta. He works in a remote area name Taliabu Island, part of Maluku Islands. He has been worked there since February 2011. He stays there for about 6 weeks and then comes back to Jakarta for a 2-weeks break. So, usually when he feels bored, he will start to be gloomy and moody also. I try so hard to understand it. But....sometimes when I feel the same way, I just can't think clearly and it's like I wanna to be selfish. I want at least he can chat with me and not just answers the questions and period. *sigh* I even feel that he is still feel gloomy and moody till now. All can I do is just wait. Let him be. Though I feel so hard to do it..But I'm afraid I can explode very soon with disappointing feelings and I know both of u won't need that at this very moment. And to make it worst our 5 years dating anniversary just passed like that. It just getting worst each year with every kind of celebration of the birthdays, valentines and anniversary..It's like .................................................................*sigh again*
Beside with my love life, I also feel the gloomy feeling in my job. I can't stand with injustice. I just want to do something but when I can't, I become a rebellion. In teaching time, I also find it hard to control my emotion. I just want the students do nicely things so I dun need to correct them... Geezzz...I am tired with this feeling coz it ruins my whole life these few weeks. I need to find something to fix it..SOON!
Well, I was thinking about what I had and I decided to write it down to ease me down a bit.. I can think clearly and I know that I have to be grateful with all I have despite the issue that I am having right now.I deal with myself so I just have to tell myself that everything will be ok when the time is right. What Mr. A said was right.. Be patient. For me, patient isn't really my thing. the only way I can be sedate is when I'm cooking and walking in the mall. But out of that, I tend to run n the school corridor or walk so fast when I am working, finish my food in a short time unless I talk to much and I even speak too fast that sometimes people can't here my pronunciation and I even can't think of my grammar anymore. However, deep in my little tiny conscience, I know that there will be the way and I still have to face it and enjoy it. The earth is still spinning around and so my life.
This is my story...what about yours?
"There is one thing one has to have: either a soul that is cheerful by nature, or a soul made cheerful by work, love, art and knowledge." Friedrich Nietzche
_just suit me a lot_