What make me today?

“When we are children we seldom think of the future. This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can. The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.” 

―Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

What make me today?  The answers of this question are my childhood, my teenage life and problems that I faced. I think everyone would say the same thing but the outcome would be different. For me, those all affect the way I think, say, do today.

I wanna write about my childhood today because I want to trace the path of it and embrace the moments. I was born in a small city on the other part of Indonesia in the Sumatran Island. I don’t really remember the details but I have parts of memories when I was there years ago. I remember my grandfather brought me to somewhere to buy a chair that is still here today. This chair has been with me for more than 20 years already. 

Me and my brothers at my childhood house. ^^

the same blue chair that my lil bro sat on the other pic that my grandpa bought for me

Then, I remember that my grandmother brought me once to a beach with her workers one day to have a picnic but just when we sat down, the wave came to us and wet our place so we had to move away. Because it’s a small city, everywhere we walked people will know. The most frightened moment was when I woke up from my nap time then when I walked to the living room, my mom was curling her hairs with my aunt. I was afraid and cried whenever I saw the rolls and the smell. I still hate it until now. . Then, the most unforgettable was the moment I rolled down from 3^rd floor stairs until the first floor because played with my brother. I had a very big “ball” on my forehead. ^^ I went to a Buddhist school there; I remembered the unusual table and learnt sempoa. I grew there until I was 6 years old. On 1990, my father was told to move to Jakarta, to be with his family (my hometown is my mom’s). I remembered that day my grandfather didn't want to see us left. He just looked away, he teared and sad. That was the first moment I can understand what others people feel. I felt sad not because I have to leave but because I saw my grandpa was sad because of our leaving. I missed him as I wrote this, but he passed away when I was at Grade 8 or 9. Some time I will share bout my traumatic of his leaving forever. :( 

From my hometown, we have to go to Medan first by car. It took 8 hours. That moving was my first on board. ^^ I had a very uncomfortable pain on my ears then, the stewardess gave me a candy. Oh, I also spilled my food during lunch time.. =P

At first, we were staying with my grandma from my father’s side. His sister still not married yet. Personally, it wasn't a good moments for me during those 3 years. I remember I have to repeat my primary one. The funny thing was that I had a bad impression to the teacher who said that it’s better for me to repeat on more year even tough I supposed to be in Primary 2 coz she’s afraid I can’t catch up with the lesson and since I was from the small town (different level of lesson). She said it in front of me. I remember it vaguely but for several years I had several nightmares if her and felt like I saw her everywhere I went. It looked like she haunted me and she has 7 twins.  Hehehe….silly me. Maybe, it hurt my pride that time. ^^ However, I was enrolled school a year earlier than I should had when I was at my hometown so, it’s still okay for me to repeat.   

The other thing was that I didn’t like to see my mother and the in laws “secretly” fight. They showed me the truth about not living at the same house. I slept with my aunt and my grandma. My brothers slept with my parents. My aunt loves me, I know. But when they thought I was asleep, they talked bout my mom. It was not just her but still I didn’t feel comfortable. I never share this thing to anyone. My grandma also so strict and didn’t allow us to play outside. However, my auntie liked to take me to places by bus. Once, I almost fell down coz it moved before I stepped down my foot. She took me to the theater  Ancol and many more. I watched Jet Lee’s movies a lot.  Then, my cousins moved in together just made it worst. I have to share my aunt. ^^

As the eldest child, I always told to share, to stay back, to be the last to get, to do almost everything. I can’t be selfish. So, when my aunt brought me to see places on weekends were the times I can just have something for me. But, when my cousins here, again, I have to be the eldest. I’m also the eldest grand-daughter from my father’s big family side. This “eldest” thing cost me drown in the swimming pool. I had to share to the other cousins then, I drowned in a 3-m pool. I couldn't swim until now.

During those three years stayed with my grandma, I saw my first semi porno ghost movie. HAHAHA. Peeping actually coz would open the door quietly and peep when I couldn't sleep and when the adults sent the children out from the living room so early. So, every time I went out (pretending) to go to toilet, they stopped the movie.. ^^ I knew it though I was just eight that time. If my auntie didn't take me somewhere, she would rent Laser Disc to watch together. Sometimes cartoons, funny movies, kung fu or Chinese ghost stories. And my auntie is the one who makes me love English.

I moved 2 schools during these 3 years. Permai School when I was P1 and 2. Then Harapan Abadi when I was in P3. I remembered only several things about this school. There were the goat poop smelled at our dancing room, the tall pillars in the middle of my class, I did my first stood in front performance, my first crush (hehehe..his name was Erik), my friends (my crush and his friends)were sent away by my grandma when they came to ask me play, I could see them from the very small window on the roof,  and me almost been kissed moment by a boy name Peter, I slapped him. ^^ Those schools are still existing until now. I even worked in one of it. Harapan Abadi changed the name to St. Nicholas. I found out on my first year worked there and the principal still has my names on the students list.

At 9, we moved out (yey!). The sad thing, that I still regret now, was I wasn't able to say good bye to my best friend at that time. A foreign girl who just live here because if her father’s work. We move to the place I live today. So, it’s been almost 20 years I have stayed here. The same road, two different houses, different neighbors and many schools that I had attend.. I have 4 schools during my elementary level in all. After moved here, I went to Trinitas to study. I fell down in front of the gate on my first day.. >.< Because of too many times moving schools, I was never afraid on first days anymore.  But I got new friends easily coz of the fall ..

I have 2 younger brothers, this make me easier to play with boys. So, I have more boy friends than girls. Girls are also sometimes too sensitive. When I was in P6, my close friend since P5 just left me and ignored me the whole year. The reason was just because I didn’t introduce her to my friend from other class when we met! Geezzz…When I was in P6, my feelings started to feel upside down. I started to have this rebellion feeling and moments. I tried my father’s smoke when he left it to bath, started want my mother to show more love to me than to my brothers. I felt sad when I was the top 10 of the whole school and got my price (only a box of Dunkin Donuts) but my parents didn’t say anything. Things were getting worst later. I will write it again later.

Right now, I just amazed myself that I remember so many things in my childhood that I couldn’t write it down. I feel happy to understand that those bad memories in my 3 years with my grandma didn’t make me hate them. My auntie wanted me to stay there with her; she wanted to pay my education fee and she promised to pamper me. I refused. Though my mom ever slammed my face to the table just because I can’t memorize the multiplication table two, but I still chose her. I didn’t regret the choice that I made when I was 9. I still respect my grandmother also. No matter what, she is just a mother and grandmother at her age she thought she knew more. She ever grabbed a robber’s knife who tried to rob us when she took me to visit her friend at Jelambar. She even brought it home as a gift. I didn’t remember this but she remembered she took me with her ^^ 
My grandpa died when my father just 19 years old, he’s the 2^nd son, so my grandma had to be strong for her 9 children. I respect her for that. I took care of her when she was in hospital coz of diarrhea because no one else can take turn. I learn from that to be patience with elders.

What I learn from my 3 years with my aunt and grandma is that if one day I get married and have to stay with my future husband family especially parents, I really have to adjust myself.  I learn that our greatest deed is to our parents and it's not forever we stay with our parents. I told this to my boyfriend also. And I think it's easier to change myself than to change the whole world. Some people might say, it's easy for me to say but it will hard to do. But, I never know till I try right? I just have to always remember my feeling under the blanket at the most nights back that time.

Every time I have time to recall, I will recall my childhood. I miss the moment. I feel the hole in it. I don’t want to forget what that left in my mind. So, I hope if one day I forget, I still have this story. :)