Me and influenza *sigh*

Influenza…. I dunno why it always comes to me in these few months. I feel like it just few weeks ago I suffered from this illness. But it came back again last2 days, full package with the bad cough. The worst thing is that it costs a lot also! *sob*

It was 3 days ago when I started to feel that I dun really feeling oke. Mr. A asked me to take vitamin C and the medicine for my flu. Then I supposed to sleep earlier. But I can’t sleep. When I woke up at 4 a.m.,  I felt my head was so in pain and I didn’t really had a strength to move my body. So, I decided to come late to my work and I went to the doctor first. The doctor that I wished t visit hasn’t opened yet that time. So, I just wandered around to find any doctor. I found one. Before I went to the doctor, I went to ATM first. I thought, it’ll cost a lot.

The doctor diagnosed me. He gave me a shot on my hip (he said to stop the flu and won’t get extra charge and the consultation only costs Rp 100.000,00) so I agreed. Then, he gave 6 types of medicines that consist of :

1. Antibiotics (definitely!)
2. Something to thinning the phlegm
3. Something that I didn’t know what for
4. Tablets for the cough
5. Syrup for the cough
6. Tablets for the flu
7. And extra tablets in case I get fever

And all of those cost me…. Rp240.000..doeeenkkk…!!!  What was left in my purse only Rp7.000. It even didn’t enough to pay my gasoline.. huhuhuhu. However, I just moved on.. ^^ I went to my work place and spent a day like I didn’t feel alive. At 1p.m. I noticed that I got reddish on my face and neck. OMG! It happened again. Allergic! I was never had an allergic before. But after my appendix operation on last June, every time I take an antibiotic, I get an allergic. So, I decided to go back to the doctor again. Same place but different doctor coz the doctor only there in the morning. The “evening” doctor gave me another antibiotic. She also offered an injection. I wondered why they always ask for that… hmmm..

Oh, then I had to paid Rp170.000! OMG.. in a day I spend more than Rp400.000. I better to get well soon for that. Huhuhu.. I rarely visit doctor actually coz it cost a lot. But I had to go last Thursday because I my cough that had lasted more than 2 months. The other point is that I have a lot of plan for the weekend. However, I can’t join one of my childhood friend’s wedding party yesterday coz I still in a bad cough n flu. I went to bed around 8 p.m. and collapse till morning. >.< I felt really bad bout that. Today, I hope it will be better! Coz I need my full health for tomorrow!! Huff.. My best friend said that “ Get rest. Useless if u have worked so hard but you spent it on medicine” Yes.. health IS expensive..

Guilty Pleasure series... #1 Books

Hola...hari ini sedang ada waktu senggang.. Terpikir untuk menulis ttg guilty pleasuresku. (^_^). I have a lot of guilty pleasures. Why I say "guilty pleasure"? Coz, everytime I bought or purchased those things, mostly I have a bit guilt feeling.. Only a bit (sometimes big) but a bit is enough. Hehehe..Hari ini bahasnya 1 guilt dl ya..
My #1 guilty pleasure is BOOKS! 
Sejak masih SD saya sudah suka membaca. Awalnya saya paling suka membaca cerita-cerita sejarah. Kalau bacaan dibuku teks Bahasa Indonesia selalu saya baca dengan teliti. Dulu saya suka ke perpustaakn untuk baca cerita-certia rakyat.Pada waktu SMP, teman saya mulai mengenalkan komik ke saya. Komik dulu yang kubaca awalnya Doraemon lalu yang dengan serius kubaca adalah serial Detektif Conan. Kalau ada jam pelajaran kosong atau istirahat, saya akan baca komik tersebut. Kemudian perlahan-lahan mulai mengenal komik serial cantik, komik seri. Bahkan saya mulai mengoleksi komik. Salah satunya adalah serial Detektif Conan tersebut yang masih belum tamat sampai sekarang.

Nah, awalnya saya keranjingan beli komik..apapun dilahap..Trz seiring wktu, menumpuklah dirumah..Sy sampai harus punya lemari tambahan buat komik2 itu..Jumlahnya mencapai ratusan lebih dulu. Pernah juga sy iseng sewain ke temen2 waktu msih skul. Tp belakangan sy ga koleksi serial misteri. Alasannya simple.. TAKUT.. ^^ Dari koleksi2 inilah, sy dl sempat buka rental komik. Tp hanya bertahan 2 thn karena ga ada yg urusin tokonya. Sy merelakan komik2 n novel2 g buat di rental. Tapi saat tutup toko, sy hanya mengambil kembali beberapa buku yg saya suka. Setelah itu sy lbih suka koleksi novel. 

Jenis bacaan kesukaan saya adalah.....
1. komik serial cantik karangan Kyoko Hikawa. Kenapa? Karena selain gambar bagus juga lucu n ganteng.. hehehe. Judul2 yang saya koleksi : Girls, Fujiomi dan Chizumi series, From Far Away..

Chizumi dan Fujiomi

Miriam

Yang g suka yang lain adalah Miriam..Sayang saya ga pernah dapat seri lengkapnya.. Termsk koleksi langka sekarang.. n harganya muahal...Aih....jadi kangen baca ulang..

2. Komik serial cantik dari pengarang2 lama.. Duh..lupa gitu nama2nya.. Tapi intinya saya lebih suka komik2 dari pengarang tahun 80an..Karena ceritanya lebih bagus dan kuat penokohannya.Bahkan saya bs mengenal si pengarang hanya dari gambarnya.. ^^

3. Novel2 yang diangkat dari kisah nyata ataupun biografi tentang seseorang atau sesuatu dan yang lucu2. Saya suka membaca novel jenis seperti ini karena saya suka mengambil inti dari sebuah cerita sebagai pembelajaran saya.contohnya: Kicau Kacaunya Indra Herlambang, My Stupid Boss, Kevin (dulu pernah pengen jadi psikolog), tentang sejarah2 kerajaan kuno (dulu juga cita2pengen jadi arkeolog tp not even close now) ^^ Adapula Amy Chua pny Tiger Mom. I really recommend this book..

RECOMMENDED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4. Novel yang tema ceritanya kek yang detektif2an gitu looo. Yang ceritanya ada penculikan, pembunuhan, dll. Intinya yang menegangkan!! Contoh : Women's Murder Club nya James Patterson, Tell Me Your Dream by Sidney Sheldon, etc. Saking sukanya, sy jadiin buku Sidney Sheldon yang ini jadi bahan skripsi waktu kuliah. wkwkwk..
Ada juga serial Sherlock Holmes. Ini baru mulai saya baca bbrp bulan belakangan ini karena nonton serinya. Lihat Sherlock Series kalo mo tau lebih banyak. *can't wait for the third season*

5. Novel seri historical romance. Tapi saya juga memilih bacaan berdasarkan cerita sih. Yang paling g suka itu pengarang Julia Quinn. Seri The Brigertons nya manteb dah! Tapi yang saya koleksi hanya beberapa judul dari random writer kek Loraine Heath, Julia London, Amanda Quick.. Kalo lagi pengen baca sy akan sewa.

6. Buku-buku tentang agama Buddha. Pastinya sebagai seorang buddhist saya suka mencari tahu lebih banyak ttg agama yang sy anut. Ada kalanya saat saya sedang mengalami dilema dalam sehari2 sy akan mencari bacaan dalam buku2 tersebut. Yang selalu menarik adalah saya akan selalu menemukan jawaban yg sy cari kapanpun saya baca. Walaupun buku tersebut sdh pernah dibaca, Buku yang sedang saya baca adalah "Si Cacing dan Kotorannya" by Ajahn Brahm..

7. Harlequin...............Oke.kadang seri Harlequin bisa sedikit berlebihan. Tapi tetep kadang sy pengen membacanya.. Tapi sy ga mengoleksi buku seri ini.. Cukup sewa aja. ^^ Kadang saat sedang butuh membaca dan mo yang ringan dan singkat maka jenis buku ini yang sy sewa.

8. Fantasi... Sy sk beberapa judul yang fantasi. Sebut aja yang pasti uda pada tau.. Harry Potter. Pastinya ini salah satu world wide book ^^ Kemudian ada Twilight, Percy Jackson's Series. Ada juga Vampire Academy. Untuk Vampire Academy, cukup minjem aja dr temen. ;)

Nah..kira2 itulah jenis2 buku kesukaan saya.  Tapi ada juga jenis buku yang pantang saya baca, sbb:

1. Misteri.. Buku2 jenis ini adalah so not my type! Sebutlah sy penakut. Tapi nyatanya mang takut sih, Bisa sampai msk dalam selimut sambil baca ini..Dl kalo baca komik serial misteri yang setan2, mo balik komiknya aja ngintip dulu.. >.<

2. Romance.. Well, seri Harlequin memang banyakan romance tp sy pasti baca resensi dl.. Kalo ada intriknya n ga melulu cinta2an baru saya baca. Keknya hal romantis itu too good too be true jadi di baca cm bikin geli.. *tongueout*

3. Sad ending story.. Setiap baca resensinya, sy akan memastikan kalau ceritanya ga sad ending. Tapi pernah sekali beli novel yg ga happy ending n hasilnya sy kesel sendiri ^^

Nah...how do books affected me? Well, I have a big desire to buy books when I'm in a bookstore. I will try to find books that I like. I will order from Amazon if I think I won't find it in here. Beberapa koleksi buku saya dalam bahasa inggris karena buku tersebut tidak diterjemahkan ke bahasa indonesia dan saya suka sekali dengan ceritanya. Terkadang saya membeli buku dan baru saya baca berbulan2 berikutnya. Here are
my unread novels.. Masih numpuk.. Dengan tumpukan segitupun kadang saya msh suka sewa lagi. Kadangkala saat saya sdg membaca novel yang terlalu suram, sy akan merasa gloomy jg makanya sy selingi dengan novel lain. Kalo terlalu banyak membaca nvl dengan tipe yg sama, kadang bosen jg jd sy selingi lah tipe bacaan saya. Kemudian dengan terlalu gemar membeli, menyewa ini kadang sy bisa over budget. Ada saatnya saya pengeeeeeeen sekali beli 1 buku aja.. Jadi sy akn ubek2 dah tu toko buku sampai nemu satu. *sigh* 
However, I enjoy reading books.I am a dreamer and by reading I can draw the scenes in my head n I like it. I want to share my books with my children some day and I won't stop it because of the quotes below are so true..

“A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies, said Jojen. The man who never reads lives only one.” 
― George R.R. Martin, A Dance With Dragons

“For one who reads, there is no limit to the number of lives that may be lived, for fiction, biography, and history offer an inexhaustible number of lives in many parts of the world, in all periods of time.” 
― Louis L'Amour

“You're never alone when you're reading a book.” 
― Susan Wiggs

It's not the end of the world.....right?!

Have you ever felt gloomy? I bet everyone ever felt that way. I am right now. Actually, since few days ago. I blame it on my PMS (Premenstrual Syndrome) *grin* I dun really like this kind of feeling but seriously, I can't help it! Sometimes it last longer than what I want. 

However, I dun think I can blame it on the syndrome. It's just me, myself and my thoughts. I believe it has something related with my absence to the vihara these few weeks. I kinda find bunch of excuses not to attend there every week. Once again I blame on my jobs that made me have to do over work till Saturday, I even blame on my cough that hasn't recovered yet since almost 2 months ago. Well, I am not the religious one but I do feel the use when I attend the devotion every week. I know that Buddha's dhamma need over and over and over repetition to hear in life. I think it's all the same in every religions. It will make you wiser and grateful.

Recently, I got angry too easily. I put all my emotions in one side.. Anger..I feel like I'm way too sensitive with problems that I have or had. I realize it but again I feel like the feelings are consuming me. There was something 3 weeks ago that made me so mad with my life. I can't share it here since it's part of my family matter. At that time, I was so upset. I can't think anything but unfair. Life is unfair to me. I also afraid..about my future. What it will be... I have no idea bout it at all. I even cried when I rode my motorcycle. I even cried when I shared to my Mr. A. At that time, I was teaching and I wasn't so sure my student realized it or no. Maybe he thought I just got flu. hehehehe... Then, at that my sensitive phase, I felt like I need someone to make me feel better. But no one did not even Mr. A. He wasn't here at that time and all he can wrote just be patient. haizz...However, I get over it..I can accept the news better at the end. After I controlled myself.

However, it came another thought. I felt like Mr. A acted differently. Actually, at this moment Mr. A is currently working out of Jakarta. He works in a remote area name Taliabu Island,  part of Maluku Islands. He has been worked there since February 2011. He stays there for about 6 weeks and then comes back to Jakarta for a 2-weeks break. So, usually when he feels bored, he will start to be gloomy and moody also. I try so hard to understand it. But....sometimes when I feel the same way, I just can't think clearly and it's like I wanna to be selfish. I want at least he can chat with me and not just answers the questions and period. *sigh* I even feel that he is still feel gloomy and moody till now. All can I do is just wait. Let him be. Though I feel so hard to do it..But I'm afraid I can explode very soon with disappointing feelings and I know both of u won't need that at this very moment. And to make it worst our 5 years dating anniversary just passed like that. It just getting worst each year with every kind of celebration of the birthdays, valentines and anniversary..It's like .................................................................*sigh again*

Beside with my love life, I also feel the gloomy feeling in my job. I can't stand with injustice. I just want to do something but when I can't, I become a rebellion. In teaching time, I also find it hard to control my emotion. I just want the students do nicely things so I dun need to correct them... Geezzz...I am tired with this feeling coz it ruins my whole life these few weeks. I need to find something to fix it..SOON! 

Well, I was thinking about what I had and I decided to write it down to ease me down a bit.. I can think clearly and I know that I have to be grateful with all I have despite the issue that I  am having right now.I deal with myself so I just have to tell myself that everything will be ok when the time is right. What Mr. A said was right.. Be patient. For me, patient isn't really my thing. the only way I can be sedate is when I'm cooking and walking in the mall. But out of that, I tend to run n the school corridor or walk so fast when I am working, finish my food in a short time unless I talk to much and I even speak too fast that sometimes people can't here my pronunciation and I even can't think of my grammar anymore. However, deep in my little tiny conscience, I know that there will be the way and I still have to face it and enjoy it. The earth is still spinning around and so my life.

This is my story...what about yours? 

"There is one thing one has to have: either a soul that is cheerful by nature, or a soul made cheerful by work, love, art and knowledge." Friedrich Nietzche

_just suit me a lot_

From the memory in June 1996 till 2012...

"It takes a long time to grow an old friend." 

- by John Leonard

"A Friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you anyway!!!" 

- (sent by Heather Tallent)

Few days ago, I had a conversation with one of my friend. He talked about me. He mentioned that I’ve changed a lot. Well, basically, I’m evolved (manusia purba x) ^^  It's not that I change myself but i change the way I think..However, after the conversation ended, I started to think of what I have been through these past years n I was thinking of people that influences me these long. I realize that so many things have changed and one of it is what I call friendship.

Sebenernya ga  kepikiran mo tulis ttg ini tdnya.. Ada bbrp hal yg melatar belakangi tulisan g. Hal2 yg mendasari perubahan2 dlm hidup. Pertama, perubahan terjadi krn perbedaan latar belakang keluarga, jenis kelamin, pola pikir, gaya hidup, lingkungan dan masalah2 yg dihadapi oleh seseorg. Kedua, g memutuskan untuk menulis bukannya untuk menjudge atau menyalahkan tp untuk menelaah apa yg terjd dlm hidup g dan g rasa pikiran g uda cukup terbuka dan wise untuk menerima setiap perubahan dan perbedaan n semoga yg membaca jg ga menjudge n noted ini adlh point of view g.. ^^ Ketiga, g berharap dgn tulisan ini bs membuat kita lbh saling toleransi lg terhadap  temen krn jujur g pny penyesalan dlm bertindak, berkata dan berpikir thdp salah seorg tmn g sehingga membuat hub g org renggang. Skrg stlh g menghadapi byk hal g sadar bahwa g mengerti knp dy melakukan hal tsb..kesalahan g adalah not be there to make him believe in me..tp g ikt menjauhi saat dy menjauh.. Pertanyaannya, is it too late to realize now??

G mgkn adlah pribadi yg hidupny berdasarkan masa lalu. G mengenang masa lalu, menghargainya dan berusaha mempertahankan walaupun ada perubahan. Kdg sedih jg klo mkr, have they forgotten bout those moments? Byk hal2 yg g hargai dr masa lalu g ttg tmn2 g. So, let’s flash back…. ;)

Apa sih yang disebut sebagai teman? Or siapa sih yang bisa kita sebut teman? Or what about best friends?

Jawabannya mungkin relative bagi setiap orang.. So do I. Ada beberapa orang yg g sebut sebagai temen.. Temen yang menurut g cukup deket..or temen sekedar tau. Bagi sebagian org ada yg menganggap temen lebih baik dr saudara sendiri.

Mungkin kali ini g mo flash back ke beberapa tahun lalu.. Saat g n temen2 g masih imut ^^. Temen2 yang g sebutkan disini adalah temen-temen dari SMP g. Kenapa mereka? Karena merekalah yang mempunyai byk pengaruh dlm hdp g hingga skrg dan bisa g sebut sebagai old friends. They dun know kalo years g bersama mereka membuat hdp g lbh baik..klo ga ada mrk dl mgkn g ga akn spt skrg..I owe them that. G akan memberikan inisial untuk menyebut mereka dan g akan cb mendescribe mereka menurut pendapat g. *noted my opinion*

Sebelum g describe, g mo ceritain sedikit dl pertemuan g dgn mereka.Mnrt g pertemuan dgn mreka adlah jodoh.. G ketemu mereka wkt kelas 3 SMP karena sebagian besar dr kita sekelas. Di sekolah itu system pindah kelasnya saat kenaikan kelas sangat gampang, dr nomor urut sekian akan terus satu kelas. Kelas 1 dan 2 g ga pernah sekelas dgn satupun dr mereka. Nah, harusnya g ga akan pernah sekelas dgn mereka klo bukan krn ada masalah dgn geng main g sblmnya.. It was misunderstanding sbnrnya tp ya namanya msih labil jd ya gitu d. Akhinya nykp minta g dipisahkan dr bbrp anak..masuklah g kekelas D itu. ^^ Nah…mereka adalah ………

1.       Si A, dy ini beda kelas. The only one yg separated. Sbnrnya hrsnya g sekelasnya ma dy..tp krn pindah jd ga sekelas d. Si A ini tipe anak yg sensitive dl nya. Semakin tua aj semakin bijak. Wkwkwk.. dl klo main bareng n dy ud manyun, semua tau dy ge bad mood n kita bakalan diemin dy aj ampe y bae.dy bs duduk mojok sndr kita main sndr..walau beda kelas dy kenal sbagian dr kelas D n jd sering main bareng plus rmhny deketan.

2.     Si B, dy ini yg kedua tertuanya.. wkt SMP dy anaknya pendek gt..tiba2 jd tinggi gt wkt SMA..First impression g pertama kali ma dy tu wkt Class Meeting SMP 2. Yg kenalin Si A, Si B ini dr kelas lain. Si A ini byk gt kenal sana sini. Nah, wkt itu g suka main catur n ga ada yg mo main sama g. Jd Si A kenalin lah g ma Si B. n dgn 3 langkah skak mat! Ya gt lah.g keki tu wkt u..^^ ampe pas perpisahan di Bali kelas 3 g sempet ajak si B main lg..G menang sih..cm g gatau dy mang ngalah or kemampuan dy menurun.. =P tp si B ini orgnya easy going, nyantai, sifatny sabar n pelawak gt.. Dy selalu ngelucu tp terkadang dy bs berskap dewasa.

3.     Si C, nah dy ini mnrt g yg paling ganteng d di grup ini. Hahaha.. g jg pny kesan pertama dgn ne org.. tp dy gatau ^^. Jd wkt kelas 2 SMP wkt pas ujian2 gt, g pernah tu main ke kelas lain cr temen g n g duduk diatas satu meja.. n nama si C lah yg tertera. Trz g mkr ne org namanya jelek amet..*peace* trz g nanya tmn g  yg mana  ne orgnya..Pas ditunjukin g mkr cakep jg..wkwkwk. Si C ini ankny dulu tu pendiem.. tau knp pelit ngmg n sk maen sepak bola tu dl. Mnrt bbrp org yg cukup deket dgn grup ini dl bilang decision maker nya itu g n dy..yg lain oke2 aja. Jd g org cukup sering bentrok krn sm2 keras kepala n pny logika sndr, tp kdg g org bs saling discuss jg klo hrs memanage a trip.dl dy org yg pny sdkt ekspresi krn kita hrs tebak2an gt ttg dy.lucunya pnh ada yg blg g ma dy rada mirip sifatnya..ga ngerti mananya.

4.    Si D, dy the other girl di grup ini selain g. Kita lahir di bulan yg sama tp beda zodiac ^^. Si D ini mgkn adalah savior g. ^^ Dl g tu introvert n was in a trouble wkt mulai msk kelas 3. G malah milih rokok buat jd pelampiasan. Nah, suatu wkt g duduk sebangku dgn si D n dy yg ngajarin g buat ngungkapin perasaan g. G rasa dy sndr ud lupa.. but I won’t. Si D ini anakny cukup complicated menurut g. Sifat dy ga peka (kebykan main ma co x ya :p ),lembut2 keras.. Semakin dy dewasa semakin jd sifat kerasnya dy. Tp mnrt g itu krn bagian dr kehidupan dy. Dy ini tipenya au ban.. klo dibilangin yak msk kiri kuar kanan. Jd dy hrs kena jera dl br bs sadar. Dy sempet mengakuin jg. Trz dr semua temen g hny dy lah yg sulit g ketahui kadar perasaanny klo dy ga ngmg. Jd dy cukup misterius dl buat g krn dy jrg share mendalam pikiran dy. Tp skrg g mulai bs mengerti dy. G mencoba ga mo menjudge dy.G mo nya g be there klo dy mo share..G akan mengatakan pendapat g tp pd akhirnya tetep dy yg jalanin dan tgs g sebagai tmn ya menyupport.

5.     Si E, ini jg salah satu yg kita tau sensitive.Wkt SMP g cukup deket dgn dy krn mnrt g dy pendengar yg baik n bs ksh saran yg baik buat g.klo dy jago basket.. dr SMP uda tinggi n kurus, ampe skrg jg ga byk berubah. Dl klo main capsa tmn curang yg baik d ma Si B n Si C buat ngerjain Si D. Teringat pertama x nya kita ngadain bbq tu dirmh dy tp yg dtg cm ber 2.. wkwkwk..

Dl kita selalu ber 6 melakukan aktivitas bersama setiap sore. Jamannya msh sepeda. Saling menjemput trz berakhir dirumah Si D. Jalan2 naik sepeda, lari pagi (yg bertahan sebentar), main bulu tangkis, bikin ongol2, donut, bubur (dibeli) saat pelajaran tata boga, bbq pas new year ampe diomelin krn ketawa terlalu keras, main capsa. Trz g jd manager bola sampe manager basket.Sampe stlh banjir jalan2 jg bareng. Dan diantar2 wkt2 itu jg ada bumbu cinta monyet segala. N ntah gmn muncullah nama Kupluk.. bbrp tmn angkatan kita pn tau klo kita selalu main brg n bbrp tau nama julukan itu. Dr julukan pribadi dr nama buah sampe binatang. Sempet pny julukan nama keren wkt SMA/kuliah gt pas sama2 main basket.  Wkt SMA sbnrnya g n Si B beda skul dgn yg lain tp kita msh cukup sering ngumpul setdknya pas weekend..Those were one of my best time n years. A lot of laughter n joy.

Setelah mulai masuk kuliah, mulai terjadi perubahan. Ga bs dihindari lah klo kita menemukan lingkungan baru dan temen baru ada yg akan berubah. Pertama yg awalnya berubah dlan adalah Si B, krn pny pacar. Si C sempet merasa kehilangan tu..Awalnya kita kesel jg, ya wajar lah klo selama ini selalu bareng kemudian mulai berubah pastinya ada kehilangan n kita msh cukup egois.. Kemudian satu persatu berubah.. Yg pasti g salah satunya. Waktu g semester 2 masuk semester 3 ada masalah dlm keluarga g yg membuat g berubah drastis. G cukup minder n depresi.Dl g termsk org yg kepo dlm grup ini, yg sk ngabarin msg2, yg jd seksi repotnya. Kemudian krn mslh keluarga yg g hadapin membuat g capek n g memutuskan untuk bersikap egois. I dun care anymore karena menurut g semua terlalu bergantung dgn g, support yg diberikan berupa kata2 “ u pasti bisa, u kn kuat, tegar n bla bla bla..”  bagi g terdengar sebagai beban..n I became unhappy. Kdg g memutuskan menjaga jarak krn membuat g ga nyaman dan g jd ga bs crt n share. Saat yg bersamaan jg ada satu org yg ikut menjauh krn mslh keluarga jg keknya..

"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."  - Mother Teresa

Hal ini terjadi bertahun2 sampe akhirnya g sadar n g cukup merasa kehilangan. Banyak kesalahpahaman dan satu2nya org yg tetap tak berubah mnrt g adalah si A.  Dengan Si A, g bs crt apa aj, qt bs saling menunjukkan kelemahan dan kelebihan msg2 tanpa jd musuhan.

Kemudian ada juga saat2 g hrs milih antara temen n pacar. Kdg g ga mo milih, tp g mkr menggabungkan mereka blm saatnya akn menimbulkan ketdaknyamanan. Dan hal ini susah membuat sebagian org mengerti dan balik lg g merasa g hrs menyenangkan byk pihak n membuat g stress.. Klo skrg g pkr, mgkn g jg terlalu berpkran buruk ttg tmn2 g n pasangan g.. Mgkn mrk akn bs menemukan kecocokan tnpa g hrs merasa terbebani dgn pkran sndr. I admitted…my bad..

       "Friendship is one mind in two bodies." 

- Mencius

I think this quote was suit me.. Mgkn krn pd suatu point g tdk satu pikiran dgn yg lain membuat keadaan menjadi canggung, menjaga jarak atau bahkan dijauhi. At that time, I blamed others tp klo dipkr2 lg ya g sndr jg begitu menuntut dan berharap dimengerti.

O, ya dlm bbrp thn ini ada seorg tmn lg yg g anggap tmn deket g.. sebut Si F. Si F dan Si D mgkn adalah tmn ce g yg cukup dkt dr SMP. Si F pernah satu kls ma g wkt kls 1 SMP. Si F dan Si D satu SMA n g terpisah. Nah, yg akan selalu g inget adalah saat g surat2an dgn mereka n perantaranya adalah ade g. wkwkw. Dr kertas bekas, tissue, kertas hias dll jd medianya. G msh simpen semua itu. Mgkn mrk ud ga simpen.. ^^ G plg merasa kehilangan 2 tmn g yg ini krn semakin dewasa yg ada mrk smkn berjarak. Skrg g plg merasa berjarak dgn si F. Sptnya pasangan, pekerjaannya spt menjadi orientasi hidupnya. Dl dy cukup care dgn byk org skrg sptnya dy cenderung menjudge *my opinion ya*  Seringkali g yg contact mereka buat ajk ketemuan, hang out or stay over. Tp sptnya yg excited just me.. balik lg mgkn krn g mengingat hal baik ttg mereka. Kita bertiga kuliah di kampus yg berbeda.Beda tmpt, beda teman, beda mslh dlm hdp pastinya akn membawa kita semakin beda pikiran n bs jd akhirnya jd ga nyaman satu dgn yg lain. Sbnrny g mgkn tau knp dy berubah..ada kalany g keki dgn dy dan ada kalanya keki jg si D..tp ya balik lg g selalu akn mencr mereka buat basa basi or ajk jlan yg seringnya ga jd..:)

G msh inget saat si F kehilangan sodara perempuan dy.. Saat dy shared her sadness via email dr sana g mkr klo kita susah keknya buat berkomunikasi scr langsung tp g mengerti perasaan dy. I did cry when I read the email.I felt the pain. I also remember at rumah duka. G inget wkt g meluk dy bersama si D n ada Si E yg menenangkan kita bertiga...it was so sad...I remember I texted the other bout that.When she asked me to pray for her sis a day before she passed away n after my prayers I cried all night. Hufff..

Kemudian, ada si G..dy adlh tmn ade g.. anaknya bar2..huff..g aj bs digampar gt ma dy..>.< dy plg kecil pdhl..*ga sopan kan? nah, g inget si G itu sebagai anak yg nyolong komik g n bulet gendut dgn suara kenceng.. trz ntah sjk kpn dy ikut main dlm kupluk. Mgkn saat2 g berada dlm hmmm..masa transisi kali ya.. tau2 dy nongol aj.. Si G ini sifatnya antara mo netral tp ga bs. Hahaha. Dy pd dasarnya ud berubah dibandingkan wkt dy msh SMP dl. Dy ne tipe yg ga mau rugi! Ga mandang temen bukan dah..tp kdg bs jg sih dy cincai.

I guess, skrg no more what we had…krn tp kenangan itu msh fresh n still warmth in me.. dasarnya g pelupa jg jd hal yg buruk g lupa..yg menyenangkan g inget.

B dan C ud merit bahkan Si B ud pny anak. I adore his daughter.. Jd inget dl wkt si B merit, g berdiri di samping si C dan g tny dy gmn perasaan dy liat tmn baikny merit dan dy cm ketawa, terdiam n dr tatapannya g rasa ada perasaan amaze kali. Si B yg dl skul aj bs lp bw buku skrg jd kepala rmh tangga. G sndr ngerasa pd wkt tu dy ganteng bnr d dgn model rambut ala Goo Jun Pyo.*jrg2 g blg gt*  Trz ga nyangka sethn berikutnya Si C menyusul.sygnya saat itu g ud berjarak dgn mrk..I did feel amazed n happy when he got married..^^ who'll be next in line??

Dulu wkt msh SMP kita berandai2 SMA dan kuliah. Wkt kuliah ada kalanya kita berandai2 gmn tar merit pny anak. What will we be next 10 years? saat umur semakin bertambah, fisik berubah, kemudian keluarga bertambah, kemudian yg dibicarakn penyakit, hari tua mgkn suatu saat kita akan mendatangi pemakaman salah satu nya...... Saat itu g berharap klo mereka bs mengingat masa muda mereka dan dgn bahagia bs berkata “ I have great best friends…” ^^

They  might don’t have the same thought with me. It’s ok but hopefully they know, how I cherish their presence with this writing.. :) #cheers

October 2007-2012.....and will still going on.....

I have a happy and great relationship with my boyfriend, let’s say Mr. A, and that I cherish every moment I am being with him. Recently, I think about the whole moment since I met him. I wanna write it here because I want to remember it forever since I dun really believe in my own mind ^^

April 2007-May 2007

Some time around April to May on 2007 was my first meeting with Mr. A. It’s just a coincidence situation. I was from collecting some clothes for charity with one of my best friend, Angel and we ended up at Nasi Gandul, Pesanggrahan to have our dinner. Not so long after we arrived, Angel’s friends joined us. They were Mr. AG (Angel current boyfriend) and the other was Mr. A.  Mr. AG and Mr. A has known each other quite well. At that time, Mr. AG and Angel were on progress to know each other, I guess ^^. Mr. AG and Mr. A didn’t get much attention from me at first. I was thinking that his jokes were so corny and both of them too much playful and can’t be serious in having a conversation. However, my friend looked enjoyed it so much the moment. I didn’t take much attention with Mr. A after that.

June-August 2007

I mentioned about colleting some clothes for charity before, right? That was the idea to celebrate Angel’s birthday. She celebrates it on June. Several days before her birthday, we were still collecting the apparels.  On June, I think Angel and Mr. AG has started their new relationship. The last person that we need to collect the clothes was from Mr. A. He said he had some to give. So, we went to his house together with Mr. A. Still,  I had the same impression about him. Too playful. ^^

Around those months, I was busy and a little bit stressful because I was on my last semester and I have to finish my paper. I still didn’t have any attention to Mr. A until I had a weird dream bout him. I didn’t understand why I can dream about him and it bothered me a lot. Then, one time I shared about my dream to Angel, Mr. AG and one of his friends when we were played together. After that dream story, Mr. A and Angel some how became like a love match maker. They didn’t really try to match us because according to them, Mr. A is a complicated person and somehow we won’t fit to each other.

I didn’t really remember how I can have a quite intense communication with Mr. A. I just remembered I did start the first communication not on purpose. I didn’t remember how I can have his number on my phone, but I remembered that I texted most of friends in my phone book when I finished my paper coz I felt so glad and I wanna say it out loud. But the more I communicate with him the more I know him that he’s not like what Mr. A and Angel thought. He is different.

September-October 2007

For some time, we hang out together, four of us. But we started to hang out together just the two of us when  suddenly I wanna went to Planetarium. I told him bout that and he offered himself to go with me. ^^ After that, he kinda made up so many reasons to ask me out.

There were so many funny stories before his confession to me. Angel and Mr. A had told me about that. They even gambled to it. They said he tried to confess twice before but failed. I am the first for him so he’s quite nervous ^^ October on Idul Fitri day that year, he finally confessed to me. I was about gone to Puncak for holiday with my family. He came to my house early in the morning to bring my chitato that left in his car (not so important) and asked me to accompany him to have a breakfast (he doesn’t really like to have breakfast). After breakfast, he sent me home and the confession was like this (sort of):

Mr. A    : “ I like you”

Me         : ……..smiling at his back (he’s using motorcycle) “So?”

Mr. A    : “Ya…So I want you to be my girl friend!” (he's not even asking)

Me         : silence….and my heart was pounding hard and filled with happiness..^^ ( I didn’t answer him till I arrived in front of my home)

After that I gave him two numbers as my answer and asked him to reveal it. Then, he went home and I went to Puncak. Before the night over, we officially dating ^^

Since our first met, I have known that he’s going to study language in China on February. I was a bit doubt to continue our relationship before it’s too late. I never want to have a long distance relationship before. I was also always afraid that I might be hard to believe in him when he’s away. But, during those months when I have been close enough with him, I know that I can trust him and I know I can do the LDR. So, I even accompanied him to prepare what he needs to go to China. We had 4 months together before he flied to China for a year.

February 2008- January 2009

I had an uneasy feeling before he went away. I tried to hide it, sometimes it never successes. I was thinking that I have to support him, for his own future that he had prepared it far before we met. I knew that he also felt not easy to go but that’s what he wanted. However, we managed it quit well and smooth. We tried so hard to do video call via Skype almost every night. Sometimes I was so sleepy but I tried to stay awake to see him. At our down moment, we tried to cheer each other. I still remember that he ever texted me and told me that just by thinking and knowing that I was here and waiting for him had made him felt better. I did feel lonely most of the time, when I need him around, however, one year had passed……..

January 2009

He’s back!! But we couldn’t meet each other soon enough coz he got sick because of the different weather. So, I had to wait almost a week before he came to my house. The same day he came, the same time he told me that he might go to China again to continue his study. *jegeeeeerrrrrr* I did want to say please NO!!!…but who am I?? I’m just his girlfriend. I knew that that’s for his future. So, again..I supported him.. It was so hard, thinking that I have to let him go again. However, we had 6 months to be together before he went again.

September 2009- August 2010

When saying goodbye in the airport, I was quit stronger than a year before. During this time of LDR, we didn’t video called each other almost every night. We also had our fight this time. I even called him to clear the problems. But again, with all the happy and sad moment for us in having this long distance relationship, a year had passed. He tried to give me a surprise this time. He told me that he’s going to Harbin so I can’t reach him for several days. But on 17 August 2010, he showed up when I wanna watched movie in Puri Mall. My friends helped him for this surprise. ^^ 

October 2010 – now……

I’m glad that he’s here now. I can meet him more often than before. That at least I can have my date on weekend……..I thougt.. *sigh*

After 6 months in Jakarta, he got a job offer that he has to be 6 weeks out of Jakarta (in the remote area that no phone operators exist there) and 2 weeks off in Jakarta. So, again…..another long distance. This kind of relationship even harder because really restrict our communication. We had some fights during a year and a half he has been working there.

We have been together for 4 years 9 months more now. It’s like that we had more separation than when we are together. Those fights that I had with him make me understand him more. I hope that we can grow stronger. That we can end up in another stage of our relationship when the time is right.

He might not a romantic man, he’s stubborn, he’s an emotional inside, he acts cool to his surrounding, he’s not perfect.. So do I and I love the way he loves me.

Plus que hier, moins que demain

 More than yesterday, less than tomorrow

Should it same or different?

"If two people really believe in something, all the impossible will be possible." – Richard Castle (from Castle S4)   

I have an issue to talk about this time. An issue that I’m still dun get it why that can be a major problem for some people. Anw, I wanna try to write it in Bahasa Indonesia today. Honestly, I dunno how to write in Bahasa Indonesia using appropriate sentences. Last two weeks, I had a presentation for Parent Teacher’s Meeting at my school. Well, I used to get A for my Public Speaking subject when I was on my study at the university. But, I never had it in Bahasa Indonesia. So, when my coordinator asked me to try doing it in front of her seriously, I didn't know what to say. It’s been a long time already for me to speak in informal language. But, I managed to do it OK during the D-day. My coordinator gave me 8 for my score =p but I didn't think that I did well. So, today I’ll try to write in Bahasa. Hopefully I won’t mess it up…

Ok.. let’s back to the issue…

Ehemm….. Topik kali ini  adalah tentang perbedaan agama. Hal ini sedikit (banyak) menimbulkan pro dan kontra di lingkungan sekitar saya. Tapi hanya akan menuliskannya dari sudut pandang saya secara pribadi. Sy akan menceritakan sedikit tentang keluarga sy. Keluarga sy adalah keluarga buddhis awalnya walaupun jujur saja lebih ke agama tradisi (kong hu cu). Papa sy sebenarnya mengerti konsep agama Budha dengan cukup baik sayangnya dy tidak mengajarkan kepada sy dan kedua adik laki-laki sy.  Sy sempat bersekolah di sekolah Budhis waktu kecil selama setahun. Setelah itu selalu bersekolah di sekolah beragama Katolik or Kristen. Pada waktu SMP saya sempat berkeinginan untuk menjadi Katolik tapi saat itu papa sy mengarahkan sy dengan banyak hal yang memuat sy mengurungkan niat. Tapi sy msh sering ke gereja ikut teman-teman sepermainan sy. Pada saat itu di lingkungan sekitar rmh sy tidak ada vihara yang berdiri seperti sekarang. Kemudian saat SMA sy berpacaran dengan Mr. W. Dia seorang Kristen. Lalu suatu hr dy negur sy waktu sy mo pergi ke gereja dengan teman² sy. Dia mengatakan pada sy agar lebih baik ke vihara kalau memang sy beragama Budha daripada mengikuti orang lain. Saat itu sudah ada vihara yang berdiri. Sejak saat itu sy memupuk keinginan untuk mempelajari budhis lebih dalam lagi.. hanya sj sy msh belum benar2 datang ke vihara. Setelah sy putus dengan Mr.W baru sy terpanggil dan niat datang ke vihara dan hal itu terus berlangsung sampai sekarang.

Lalu ada adik sy, sebut saja namanya DJ. Sejak lulus SMA, DJ sudah dikirim ke luar kota ke tempat pamanku. Setelah beberapa waktu, adik saya terpanggil untuk menjadi seorang Kristian. Orangtua sy, khususnya mama sy pada awalnya amat sangat menentang. Tp adik sy akhirnya tetap baptis. Pada dasarnya saya tidak menentang karena sy berpikir kenapa harus melarang seseorang untk beragama? Menurut sy kalau itu baik buat dia justru lebih baik. Dia akan takut dengan Tuhan sehingga menghindarinya dari perbuatan buruk.

Suatu waktu DJ pulang ke Jakarta. Awalnya dia selalu berusaha mengkristenkan kami sekeluarga. Semakin dy berusaha semakin keras pertentangan yang diberikan sampai satu waktu dia dengan emosi mengatakan kalau sy menyembah berhala. Sy langsung menamparnya saat itu. Sy berkata padanya kalau sy tidak pernah menentang keyakinan dy karena sy tau ajarannya baik dan bnar. Yang membuatnya terlihat buruk adalah orangnya yang salah menerapkannya. Jadi sy minta dy jangan menghakimi keyakinan sy jg. Kemudian adik sy ada mendiskusikan dengan mentor dy dan mentornyapun tidak menyetujui tindakan yang dilakukan adik sy itu. Hal itu diakui oleh DJ pada sy. Sekarang DJ sudah menikah dan mempunyai keluarga Kristen yang bahagia dan saya turut senang akan hal itu..

Kemudian ada mama sy yang sejak 2-3 tahun belakangan ini menjadi seorang Kristani. Akan tetapi, berbeda dengan DJ yang akhirnya bs bertenggang rasa lain halnya dengan mama sy. Mama sy terus berusaha membuat ‘yang tersisa’ ikut kekristenan. Sampai saat ini terkadang masih ada perdebatan antara kami ‘yang tersisa’ dengan dy. Kalau hal itu membuat dy lebih baik ya kami tidak masalah tp jangan jd menganggap apa yg kami yakini tidak benar. Sy selalu berusaha menjelaskan bahwa agama itu jodoh dan panggilan. Seandainya suatu hari nanti ada dr kami yang akan mendapat panggilan ke ‘sana’ ya…let it’ll be.. Biar waktu yang menjawab. Itu yang selalu sy katakan. But honestly, I dun think that I would change my mind..

A killing time writting...

    Saturday, June 2^nd.. I woke up this morning and reached my phone as usual then I looked at the date n I felt kinda shocked.. It’s been half year in 2012. I haven’t even do anything to reach at least one of my new year resolutions yet.. *sigh*

Talking bout it, one of my resolution is travelling  Korea n Thai.. But I failed it since early of the year. Haizz… n due to my new position at school I can’t have any off day during school days.. >.<

   Anyway,  I had a chance to have a day gateway out of Jakarta last two weeks.  I went to Onrust and Cipir Island with my school work mates. It was fun and thrilling to me.. A little glimpse about Onrust can be find here ...

We just need a little more than 30 minutes by a small to reach Onrust. We spent about 2 hours less or more there. It was a very nice weather in the morning. I captured some pictures. You can open my album

What I like the most in this island is this swings that been tied to a big tree trunk. 

It has a weird movement ^^ but I like it. The island has a museum, a prison, many graves and lots of ruins building. The view to the see were speechless! Can’t imagine that it only several minutes away from Jakarta.

Then we move to Cipir Island or Khayangan Island. Back then, they called it Kuiper Island. We had our early lunch here..It was much smaller than Onrust. There was a bridge that connected these two islands long ago but coz of the sea rise level and abrasion it has gone and what left only a little part of it. The ruins here are mostly part of hospitals.We were stucked here longer than we expected because of the big waves so we can’t reached the 3^rd island, Kelor Island. After getting bored with the island we decided to go to the last island on our trip.. And here we go my day mare.. >.<

   It was a big wind and waves on our way. It’s like playing roller coaster on the sea! I can’t swim so it was really freaking me out. I was amazed with the island actually because of the big fort ruin. But we can’t land on it coz the waves. While my friends were too busy to take picture with the fort as the background. As for me, I was only thinking of going back! I was so afraid. Then finally, they all agreed going back. *fiuh* Basically, the islands are close to each other, so supposed to be the way back also less than an hour. However, it felt like thousand year to me (really literrally). The worst thing was it rain. The small boat just swing left and right, up and down plus the rain n dark cloud on us really make me thinking of kissing the land. I can saw thehospital near my school from far away but all around us just water. After some freaking minutes, we finally get closer to the land. And…..the weather just as nice as when we left in the morning.. *come on*

   However, I really enjoyed walked around the island and looked at the ruins there. Once in my teen life, I dreamt to be an archeolog. I always love to hear or find out about histories that lie on ruins of places.  I have buried my “wanna be archeolog” coz I dunno what major should I take on my college time but still I have the passion in histories. It’s like I travell back to those time. Now, I’m a teacher and I do have dreams but I try to live with what I have now, altough I find it difficult sometimes. But I know, that there are many people out there that live far from their dreams. I just have to be grateful.  We all do..

“Appreciate all the good things in your life. No matter how small. You already have some  amazing things in your life, whether you realize it or not.” -unknown- 

HAPPY WEEKEND (^^,)

Fate? No.

I went to vihara today. It's a thing that I rarely do recently. I want start to make a habit again to do it. I did it few years ago. There's a very big different things that happened to me when I make a habit to go to vihara every week. Today's topic gave me something to thing the whole day. 

Many people misunderstand about Buddhist. They tend to make wrong perception about it. Actually, Buddhist is simple. Plant good deeds and you'll get good things in your life. I am not good at explaining about it but I find all my answers in dhamma. In my good times and especially my bad times, I always remember about dhamma. I still can stand it no matter how down I am because I have the understanding of my kamma. I am trying not to take a shortcut. Kamma is not  fate. In my opinion, when someone say fate, it's the other word for laziness or desperation in life. For me, I say it's fate because it's my kamma to deal with. My struggles are how I reacted. It's not easy. 

Buddha teaches about kamma (karma). It is something that we can't avoid in this our life -past, now or future. We can't escape from it no matter you go. It's only about time. What happen to us today is because of what we did in our past life. What I do today, the reaction that I give to the kamma I have today will create a new kamma for my next life or might be this life. At this point, I'm thinking of all my suffering, happiness and small things that happened to me. >.< 

Then, what is kamma? According to Romo Sudar, Kamma is a will or desire that comes from inside. If we are willing to do bad things, it creates the potential to become a bad kamma. 

The question is "Where's kamma been kept?"

Well, penjelasannya seperti ini (dalam Bahasa Indonesia deh) ^^  Ibarat sebuah pohon mangga menghasilkan buah mangga. Tapi di manakah buah itu disimpan? Apakah di batang, akar, daun? Kenyataannya buahnya tidak disimpan di mana-mana. Tapi pohon tersebut akan berbuah bila kondisi lingkungannya mendukung, potensinya terpenuhi maka pohon tersebut akan berbuah. Sama halnya seperti karma. Karma yang kita lakukan hari ini menciptakan potensi karma kita yang akan datang tergantung baik atau buruknya.

Buddhist is all about NOW. What had happened left those behind. What will happen is based on what we do TODAY. Our thoughts, our words, our acts will make a difference. We can't be sure about future, but future (for sure) is in our hand. 

If you are saying that life is a fate, then is it possible you'll get something when you just sit down and wait? The answer will be NO. So, don't wait because life is so short. Start with analyzing your life, start to think differently, start to collect as much as good deeds you can make. 

Salah satu ajaran Budha paling utama adalah  "Jangan berbuat jahat, perbanyak berbuat baik, sucikan hati dan pikiran."

Hope is above, dread is below...

I've been thinking to write here so many times before but I've been so busy for so long time. So, here I am sitting on my favorite sofa in front of my laptop and start to clean up my mind. I have so many things in my head. So many means A LOT!! These past few months there were so many things that had happened in my life. Stressful, yes. Very.. n I have to face it by myself. The result of those things that I barely feel nothing in my heart now. Seriously! I smile, I laugh, n normally start my days everyday but none of those touch inside me.. Just feel ......EMPTY.

There were 2 things that happened this week. In the early of this week, I have to start a discussion that made me more gloomy than before. At the middle of the week, I heard a sad nearly upsetting news. Almost the whole week I had bad dreams every night. And last night a dream came. I dreamed about my work place, people around me and activities that I usually do. Then I realized that I had a broken glasses. I felt so uneasy when I woke up in the morning. The next thing I knew that I googled it :) Then, I found one this blog. It said that a broken glasses could means that I made a wrong perception on something. After I read it, I was thinking (despite it's true or not) it looks just right to me. That maybe I did a wrong judgement or perception in the problems I face off now. I'm thinking about all the burden that I have for a whole day but still I don't know what is the wrong judgement is/ are.. My anger, my impatient, my disappointment, my sadness, my desperation (maybe) too much overruled me so that it really agitate me. My fear distract me also so I try so hard to repress n forget it. That's why I feel empty inside but I know that all those feelings are still there n just awaits to be awaken anytime..

My number one enemy is me, myself and I.I've tried so hard to change myself these past few years to be a better person. But, it's not enough.And I'm still trying now. I want to feel FULL again..............one day.

" Hope is above, dread is below, I guess life is in between."- Allison Dubois in serial Medium 3